Have you ever been in a season of life where you are surviving on the prayers of others? I do not mean that others are lifting you up in prayer daily, you can not rely on that, we are humans with busy lives you can not base your prayer life on hoping your friend with 4 kids remembers to offer prayers for you. The living on a prayer of others I am talking about is when you have prayed in every way you know how, and you are frantically searching through Prayers that Avail more to understand if you have the wording wrong, or googling prayers others have written because some how the way you are praying must not be quite right, that kind of living on the prayers of others. The season with heartaches so deep, no one can understand them, The season of burdens so heavy that you don’t know how to hand them to Jesus. The season of physical pain that you can’t explain to others so you hide it. The season you feel unworthy of healing and answered prayers, and all you hear tells you, that you in fact may not have enough faith to see an answer to the prayers you cry out to the Father. The voice in your head may even tell you this is not a season, this is just your life. Buckle up buttercup this is YOUR cross to carry.
God is a good God; it is of no effort of ours that he is good. So stop for just a minute, stand still, the words you utter do not matter because he hears your heart. Relax, sister, the world feels dark and your words don’t feel accurate or even adequate. They don’t have to be. He hears you!
I started this blog 11 years ago, not out of joy of writing but out of desperation. I was drowning in motherhood. I had no idea who the woman I saw in the mirror was, and I needed to find her. What I hadn’t learned yet, even though I would tell you that was not so, is what selflessness meant. I was devoting all my time to keep my twins happy and trying not to fall apart, but I didn’t understand the joy of it. All I could see was how hard it was and how sad it was for poor ole me. The world will tell you that you can find yourself in a new lip gloss, a new outfit, or my favorite, a new hair color… but it all fades quickly if you decided to be a red head VERY quickly. Looking back on that season I can smile and shed a tear because that time in life feels like yesterday and 11 years all at the same time. The days were so long then and I struggled to make it to the end, now my kids blow past me to go enjoy their favorite activity and bed time comes so quickly. I have learned something valuable now days though, that all the prayers I prayed, the ones I borrowed from others thinking my words were not in the right order to get what I was asking it wasn’t the words it was my inablitity to see the plan. I used to compare bible characters to my toddlers but in this season buckle up for what 4 kids teaches you.
I know how it feels when my kids ask for something I know is not suitable for them, and I say “no”; the response I receive is a roll of the eyes behind my back. I get livid, but then I began to ask God, ‘Is that what it feels like when you say no and I don’t like it or understand?’ He, as a Father, obviously has infinitely more experience, but don’t you think sometimes we sound like an 11-year-old who thinks they know everything to God? Have I asked for something over and over because I didn’t like your answer and rolled my eyes in disgust when I didn’t get my way? Yes. I have. I still do. Is he filled with grace and compassion and want good for me yes if only I would listen!
Moral of the story, when your child asks you for the 105th time which one the washer is, remember you also requested God something equally silly over and over, and he told you with patience every time what you needed and you rolled your eyes and put your dirty clothes in the dryer AGAIN.
Perhaps I will return to blogging… I might be funny this time around, but I can tell you this, it’s not any less chaotic than it was 11 years ago.
Camp Run-A-Muk 