You really can’t make this up…

and I sure don’t want to forget it. The other day I began listing all the stories I wanted to tell and then I realized the longer I waited to tell them the fuzzier the details will get. I warn you these are stories that will make you feel better about your capabilities as a mother and most likely only be gut busting hilarious to those who have experienced it. I started out with the title “in the last 30 days I have…” it may still be the most accurate!

It all started at my mom’s house…. for those of you who don’ t know my mom, let me set the scene for you. Also mom don’t be offended I mean this description in the most complimentary way. Her house is clean…I mean the kind of clean us mom’s with toddlers will never see, this lady cleans the walls and kills more birds with her windows than anyone I know. If you didn’t know my mom and you took your kids there your heart would beat 90 miles a minute and you would spend the whole time saying ‘DON’T TOUCH THAT” However my mom is super great and lets my kids mess her house….but my brother and I still enjoy watching our kids touch her windows just to see her face. (Sorry mom) We were there swimming and P comes and says he needs to go to the bathroom, I pull off his trunks and open the door, off he goes, tile floor no worries. After far to long I realize I should probably check on him. I open the glass door, and you know that smell, the one that makes your stomach sink because you know it is not good….the whole house smells like a giant turd. I enter the bathroom, there stands my naked kid, and it looks like he used his shirt to wash the floor with his poop, it’s on his back and the walls, and the door and all over the toilet. He was so profusely sorry, so after I started the bath water I took myself outside to laugh hysterically and tell my mom who I knew would be less than thrilled , I laughed so hard I cried, I laughed and laughed some more because when I put him in the bath and cleaned the mess, he said “Mommy I tried to clean it, please don’t tell Mimi…” oh son I told Mimi , and I washed the rugs.

It is always hilarious until it happens to you and most of the time these random string of events can make you feel like it is possible you are on an episode of Punked or whatever the current version of that show is now days. The next event was at my expense but I also realized had someone witnessed this it might have been a viral video. I don’t wear dresses, by that I mean not often- not never, but I have this summer t shirt dress but is to short for public viewing, so I tend to toss it on when it’s hot and wear it around the house. I also love to rinse my porch off and tend to my flowers. We have 4 dogs…only one DOESN’T shed so most often I rinse the porch off twice a day. I find it relaxing. I don’t like dog hair in my house. You get the point. I was rinsing the porch and the kids were playing in the yard, it was a beautiful morning, still early so not miserable yet. I am yelled at by the kids for assistance so I just drop the water nozzle to go assist. You know how sometimes the nozzle hits just right and it gives a final squirt, well this hit and held, I WAS STANDING RIGHT ON TOP OF IT. I was doing my best to run from the carwash I felt was going straight up my dress, and I COULD NOT GET AWAY. Oh honey it was so not graceful and in my attempt to get away I should tell you my porch needs a “slippery when wet” sign…. my children rounded the corner to find me soaked on the ground and I could give no good explanation. – The dog did it.

We often joked about one of my nieces that her actions could be categorized as ‘Couch potato or convict’ which was hilarious until my child entered that phase. I will admit, I am way more relaxed with my third child, he often grabs a few snacks before breakfast, or snags a drink of someones drink without being reprimanded, he is taking his game to a new level lately. I can’t remember the reason but around 3 am and Clay and I were awake, maybe it had been storming but on of those night where we’d gotten up for a random reason and just lay back down. We heard footsteps on the stairs, and like a good parent we can identify the approaching child by the weight of the step. A has a light step and she doesn’t put her whole foot down, H sounds like a baby elephant jumping from step to step, P has shorter legs so his steps are less fluid and more choppy. The steps were most definitely P. He never entered our room though, he walked by and then sounded like he was going back to his room so Clay gets up when we hear the “chhhhh” of a carbonated beverage opening, and he was caught red handed with a sprite in hand. Our convict had taken a half full sprite belonging to Clay and hid it in the laundry room, apparently around 3 am he got thirsty and came back to claim his prize. The look on his face when his daddy called his name was the same look one would have when seeing the flashing lights of a police car BUSTED.

Let’s face it, poop incidents are either funny or not in a mom life, I can laugh at this one post but in the moment I was MAD. P pooped his pants, ( he is potty trained and has been for over a year- the last few weeks we have had more accidents for unknown reasons which is odd for a poop on demand kid, so I assume it has been all the running and gunning we have been doing) this poop escaped his pants onto the carpet ( more than half our house is hard floors so this was an accomplishment in itself.) I went upstairs to find him washing his underwear in the toilet and can I tell you I lost my mind……I sent H to wake his Dad because I need to clean this in peace and I could feel my ears leaking large amounts of steam. The humor in this came when P came to the stairs and began to howl to his Aunt J and Dad, when asked what was wrong he exclaimed, “my mommy is so mad!” I did not yell, I did not say a word to him I just simply cried in the bathroom and told him ” I am so tired of cleaning poop.” He a wise man of 2 knew though mom had hit the wall. Poop jokes aren’t my favorite but I would say they are a solid #2.

To say the summer is entertaining is an understatement but now I am about to tell on myself epically. I’d say around 10 days ago we were involved in walk by rocking. It sounded like a drive by shooting. I was in our bedroom and C was weedeating in the yard, when there was a loud noise, gun shot loud, I suspected maybe the deer in our living room had met his second death, but I entered the living room to see nothing disturbed. I went to the front door to look out and noticed the door is shattered. Rock + weedeater= no glass in glasss door. We taped it epically and resolved to order a solid door. I found a door that said it was available for 2 day delivery and ordered. It was June 28- the delivery on my reciept said 7/30/2019. On July 2 I called to see why my door had not been delivered, the man assures me 3 to 4 days and it should arrive at his store. I call again yesterday and the lady says your delivery date says July 30 …..oh why yes it does I was just calling to check and see how your day was going you nice Lowe’s lady. I AM SO SORRY LOWES LADY AND ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HEARD ME COMPLAIN ABOUT LOWES I IN FACT CAN’T READ.

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