Foster care · Jesus · Kids

What I can’t see

I don’t like the not knowing.  I need to know the solution, I need to know if is a solution that I find acceptable. I have so often given a problem to God and on the drive home I find myself calculating how I can fix the problem on my own, lately I feel this gentle tap that says “isn’t that mine now? Do you not trust my plan?” I do, I do but what about this ?

It is so easy not to grasp how much God knows about me, like watching a child discover new things he watches me in wonder as I discover myself in him.  He knows my every feeling my every desire, my spirit sings his praise .I chase after his will and it brings my spirit to rest,  the less need I have for the details because no matter how I think is best, God’s plan is so good.

I have been asked lately how I can see the good, how I can pray for healing… How dare I ask?  My heart says – How can you not? What if one day I stand before him and ask why did you not heal this? What if he says to me “You did not ask.”. He knows my heart and I know his character is good so what do I have to lose in asking. God is going to bring glory and redemption to my every worry, his grace is extended in me not knowing the future. 

I will chase after his will. I see the victory coming, and I know he will take what the enemy meant as harm and he will turn it for good.

I see the redemption all around me .

I started a journey with a woman I did not like 13 months ago. God called me to love her but she didn’t want me to.  She didn’t want to love me either. We are able to say that to one another now. If you had stood us face to face and told us how closely he would weave us I feel certain we would have laughed. Much like Sara did when God projected a child while she was in her 90’s.

A year and a month and some days ago, I said yes to a placement, it wasn’t my first yes we had said yes many times just be told someone else had said yes faster.  We were just so eager to have our first little foster baby.  When they brought him into our home we were instantly in love,  Avery waited anxioiusly all night for him to need a bottle and was there with bright eyes at his first sounds around 4 am.  That night as I watched him sleep I couldn’t help but feel the broken heart of the momma whose baby was in my nursery.That night I remember praying that one day she would sit next to him and watch him sleep again, but there were many days I didn’t think that prayer had even been heard.  God knew though and he nudged me often to pursue her and love her even if she didn’t want it.  January came and we were facing a fork in the road that would decide what the future would hold.  After a frustrating meeting she and I sat under the tree, two bull headed stubborn women and walked toward change, God took the reigns.

8 months later she parked under that tree and we sat on planter of the DHS building waiting our turn in the meeting room once again, but this time was different, we walked in as friends. She cares how I feel and knows this is hard and I am able to trust her and lean into that as we walk into reunification.  God has given me a friend that nothing is to hard to talk about, her honesty blows me away and she pushes me to share my feelings even though I don’t like to.  Yesterday she took the time to sit on the porch with me to see if I was ok, because today was his first overnight visit with her, tonight I saw an answered prayer because tonight she will watch him sleep.

Thank you Father for doing all things in your time.

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