Jesus · Kids

Can I be real ?

I mean I ask out of politeness but I am going to be real whether you said yes and clicked that link or not.

I am not in my happy place right now, like struggle bus city.

I have two boys who have been sick for oh a week, the littlest one can make you feel like you are caring for an infant, the oldest makes me question whether he is sick or manipulating me about every other day….but I am almost to tired to care…..ALMOST.

You remember when you were little and you didn’t quite grasp what needed to happen when you were sick? Why can’t I eat macaroni and ice cream? I don’t feel good, you should oblige my every whim. Why can’t I take a hot bath when my temperature is 102??? I am not sure why you are saying no to me??? Or as P tells me, “You say no, I want you say yes!”

Then there is that dreaded struggle of motherhood. KID SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED. After I have been up the majority of the nights though I admit I get lax about where they sleep.

Night previous to last night at midnight P is crying and comes to my bed, I put him in and he falls back asleep. YAY WIN. WRONG. H comes in to ask me to refill his water, which I do and send him back to bed. I decided at t his point I will sleep in the nursery and maybe no one will find me. WRONG. My kids picked up that trick quick. P up crying comes to the nursery to ask why I am not in my bed, well I don’t like to sleep with your feet on my neck? He crawls in, I decide I will get him to sleep and go back to my bed… H comes in to tell me his leg hurts. I leave P crying to get H an oil to rub on and send him back to bed again. P again, tylenol for fever and I half sleep a glorious hour with his feet on my face before at 5:45 H wants to turn on the tv……. NOOOOOOO. Then at 6 my daughter wants to go outside and play!! I am barely existing here, the sun is not up! What is wrong with you tiny people!

Last night a similar turn of events played out, Clay had to go work on notes at the clinic, he told me to call him if they boys caused a circus again, to which I whole heartedly agreed to because I was EXHAUSTED. However in my exhaustion the circus went something like this. Boys come to my room at who knows what time because I am not coherent, I tell them to go back to bed, to which P throws a huge fit. I with no patience left yell GO BACK TO BED NOW, because you know that if you want your children to do something promptly in the middle of the night yelling in the dark, that is the key to your success……said no one ever. Then P is crying “I love you momma” thanks kid I know I am the worst person ever. Finally I just scoot over and let him in the bed and then feel like an even bigger jerk because H obviously terrified of the crazy in the darkness of my bedroom went back to bed. So I had to thank him profusely this morning for minding even if I scooted over for P.

I wanted to be able to go to Bokchito yesterday, out of this house, to be useful. My brother called with fence needs, and I wanted to go so badly but in my heart I knew it was better to let C go alone and stay with the kids. It’s not fun to do what you have to instead of what you want to, but it is life. Although most would scoff at that, I am a helper, a 2 on the enneagram, when someone needs help I need to be the one to do it, and I believe there is no one better suited for the job (even when I am wrong) and also I have the same cough -snot- ear ache thing the boys do…although I am not ready to admit that it may slow me down yet, or maybe ever. I am superwoman. Fake it until you make it kinda of gal.

I say all this to say, my heart is hurting, for my family, for my home, for people who had worked so hard for the things they had now left with nothing. For my friends mourning, for the miles of memories I saw hanging in trees. For the lives I saw soggy and scattered. You know what though, no matter how many years I have been away it is still home, when they hurt I hurt. You know what does not amaze me though, their resilience. I pulled up to my Uncles house at 10 am, there were so many cars there I had to walk half the driveway (this is the country people that drive is long) there were high school kids as far as I could see picking up shingles and branches and scatters of life from his yard, I sat in his kitchen with him and watched the pain as we discussed what a hard year this had been. We cleaned up glass and light fixtures and carpet. I went the next road over to hug one of my very best friends since 5th grade( maybe younger that has been ages) and sobbed as we stood over what was left of a road we kept hot growing up, and the loss of life held so dear.

God is in the restoration business though, and I know he is going to restore this community from its shatters and they will be surrounded with love and healing. It will take time, and even years before the land heals, the hearts will forever carry the scar, so for all you praying people, lift up my hometown as they pick up the pieces scattered by the tornado that wrecked their world this week and me too that I survive this season in my house without permanently scarring my children.

So until then I will be crawling in bed at 7:30 in my night mask ( my husband and I wish we had discovered these years ago , because we like dark dark to sleep and all the night lights in a house of kids) trying to catch the winks I can before the witching hour of coughing and crying. Thanks for reading my real feelings and for praying for my friends and family.

Coughing Chaos Coordinator at Camprunamuk

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