Ok, it is 4 am…I am away from my children, it is quiet, it is dark, and spent 12 hours in the car today, and I am wide awake pondering the meaning of transparency. Why am I not sleeping?? This is like dreams for mom’s all over the world?? God, could you just shut my mind off so I can sleep? I learned something today, maybe that is why I am up, I’ve been asking him what are you teaching me, what can I learn about you today? Here is what he showed me today, I strive to be authentic and transparent in my life, I find humor in it, I find human connection in it but today I heard “stop hiding”. There are things in our lives we are ashamed of right? Things we leave in a dark corner, thinking if I don’t think about it, it can’t haunt me, or if no one knows then it doesn’t matter? What are we afraid of? When the creator takes the old and makes it new again, when our souls are arts of restoration, if God has made something beautiful of my mess why do I still hide it?
I walked away from God in my early 20’s, I mean a legitimate- you church people are a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and I am not interested in that kind of game. I just wanted to have my own identity, I was lost, floundering, unable to decide what my lot in life was, was their anything I was good at? I mean yea obviously a few things I can say I was good at, but lets face it college was not one of them, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I knew how to work hard and I liked making a difference. Don’t ask me how that landed me behind a stylist chair but it did. I worked tirelessly, I needed to be successful at something in order to feel validated and this was going to be it. I had waited tables and bartended in college( well I say I was in college but lets face it I spent more time picking up shifts than I ever did in class) so that was my plan for hair school. School by day, work by night but I was reckless and one night at a baseball game I found myself in the back of a cop car. I have been saying for years I didn’t buy that beer for the minor sitting beside me, that she never drank it , dollar drafts are small I needed 2…which is true but if I am transparent I bought it for her….they knew I did and being prideful I spent 24 hours in Oklahoma County Jail before I called my dad. I signed a paper saying I would sit in jail for 24 hours so I didn’t have to be honest. Contributing to a minor….well they will take your liquor license for that, my job options were dwindling and so was my self esteem. I needed flexibility but that was hard to find so I ended up with two jobs, one would give me peace and quiet the other would open several doors to change the direction of my tailspin, maybe slow it down a little but mostly just change the direction. I worked from from 4 am to 11 am cleaning horse stalls at Remington Race track, and did some shifts at Express in the nearest mall, along with overnight floor sets. Sounds glamorous huh? Hair school takes longer than a year at this pace. All this time I told my mom I was going to church so she would feel better about me- so I would feel better maybe, and all this time I told myself it was the truth, because we went to the same country bar every Saturday and because it was the only place I had regular attendance we called it Church (Lord forgive me for that) I can say that now because my Mom and I live on an incredible new level in our relationship where we are authentic and loving and full of grace and love for each other……and I am so grateful for that. It was probably by grace alone we survived that season, but I spun so many webs I couldn’t possibly know if anyone knew the real me? My heart was a wreck- like stage 5 train wreck. I got a job as an assistant to two stylist in a high end salon, and I though…ohhhh it is looking up, we got a cool apartment, I had money to spend, I had cute clothes, and I was skinny….oh life was fabulous I mean I worked all the time but still. I moved salons, with a stylist thinking I was moving up, and in theory I was, my environment would improve, i would be surrounded by hard working women who would push me but inside was still messy. I was able to bring myself up though, life began to feel more put together, in my mind I was becoming successful, my hard work was paying off and the journey continued. I will continue this story at a later date but this is the part of my life God brought to me and said light it up.
God showed me today that transparency does not mean glazed, to be transparent to me is to stand in front of the light of the world, to let his light shine on every dark place in my life, let him light up every lie I told myself, or the world told me. When God shines through me, when my life is only a slide and God the light of the projector showing the world his beautiful and perfect restoration. Thank you Lord that all those winding paths brought me to this transparent and authentic part of my life, that I am no longer ashamed to be called by you and you are teaching me to listen to your voice. Thank you that I get to share your healing hope 12 hours from home and I pray you give me the courage to stand in front of your light and let you put MY Heart at Rest too.
Sleep deprived chaos coordinator